There’s a version of flirting that feels forced and exhausting, the kind that lives in rehearsed one-liners and calculated moves. And then there’s the version that actually works, the kind that feels easy, a little playful, and nearly effortless. The kind that leaves someone thinking about you long after the conversation ends.
According to relationship expert and coach Matthew Hussey, great flirting isn’t about pickup lines or tactics. It’s about energy, presence and one subtle mindset shift that changes how you show up.
1. Let them know you’re interested, not auditioning
Matthew breaks flirting down to a simplest formula: interest plus challenge.
Interest says, “I like you.” Challenge says, “I’m also deciding if you’re right for me.” Both matter, and that second part is where most people fall short.
He’s quick to clarify that challenge doesn’t mean playing games or being cold. “It means being selective, playful, and leaving room for them to want to impress you.”
Think less “hard to get” and more genuinely self-assured. The goal is warmth without desperation. Engaged, but not hanging on every word.
2. Slow down.
If there’s one piece of advice Matthew gives above all others, it’s to slow down. Most of us speed up when we’re nervous—answering too quickly, filling every silence, defaulting to what he calls “interview mode” because we’re afraid of an awkward pause.
The problem? That can kill every chance for real tension to build.
Instead, Matthew tells us, “Attraction is created in the contrast. It’s all in our ability to change gears, to move fast and then slow, to go from playful to serious.”
That means leaving room for gestures, pauses, a longer-held glance, letting a silence sit for just a beat longer than feels comfortable. Those are exactly the moments that linger.
3. Start smaller than you think.
You don’t have to be bold to start a conversation. Matthew’s approach for the nervous among us is: be curious, be warm, and give someone an easy opening.
One way to do that is to comment on the shared situation. Standing in a long line at a show? Turn to the person next to you and say something like, “Please tell me this is worth the wait. We might be here a while.” All you’re doing is giving them something to pick up and run with.
The second is to ask for a recommendation. See someone at a bar you want to talk to? Glance at the menu and try, “I have no idea what I’m in the mood for. What are you drinking? Maybe it’ll inspire me.”
It’s low-risk, genuinely warm, and it opens a door without any pressure on either side.
4. Give specific compliments.
Generic compliments are forgettable. Specific ones stick.
Matthew’s advice is to pay attention to the details. The choices someone makes, the thing they light up about, the way they tell a story.
“Spot something unique about the person, like their laugh or how they explain things passionately, and let them know you find it attractive.”
This approach works because it shows that you’re actually present. You’re not performing or running through a mental checklist of charming things to say. You’re listening, noticing and responding to the person in front of you.
That quality of attention is rare and people feel the difference immediately.
5. Leave a little mystery.
Matthew is a fan of what he calls “leaving some details open-ended.” You can be honest and warm, while still throwing in the occasional playful deflection that makes someone want to keep asking.
His favorite example, delivered with a smile: “I can’t tell you that. Not yet, anyway.”
The word “yet” is doing a lot of work there. It doesn’t close the door. It cracks it open and suggests there’s more to learn later. Done lightly, it gives the conversation forward momentum.
6. Watch your word choices.
Matthew draws a clear line between what he calls platonic language and desire language, and the difference is subtler than you’d expect.
Platonic is like texting after a first date, “I had a great time. Enjoy your evening.”
Desire language is more like, “I hope you managed to enjoy the rest of your night without me. ;)”
Same sentiment, completely different energy. The second is warmer, a little cheeky, and communicates genuine interest without being heavy. Most people default to the safe version without realizing there’s another option.
7. Make the move, then give them room.
This may be Matthew’s most important principle, and it’s the one people often get wrong.
Starting a conversation and then hovering, staying too long, following someone around the room, or making them feel like they can’t leave, kills attraction faster than almost anything else. Interest without space tips into intensity, and intensity too early is a turnoff.
Matthew’s take: “Making the first move isn’t needy. It’s confident. It’s only needy if you make the first, second, third, and fourth move.”
Start the conversation. Be genuinely warm and present. Then go back to enjoying your evening. Let them see you having fun. Give them the chance to come find you. When they do, the dynamic has already shifted in the right direction.
The Takeaway
Good flirting has a little charge to it. You’re paying attention, having fun, and letting the conversation move without forcing every moment to become something. No trying to win someone over before they’ve earned it. Just enough warmth to show interest, and just enough space to keep things interesting.
That’s the shift: stop performing and start enjoying yourself. Much more attractive.
