Quitting is failing.”
“Quitting means you didn’t try hard enough.”
Yeah, we’re gonna need people to stop it with that nonsense. It’s time to call BS on the whole “quitting is bad” thing.
“The judgmental nature of the word ‘quit’ induces a shame and/or guilt reaction, which is why we feel like there’s something wrong with quitting,” says Maddy Ellberger, Ph.D., LCSW, and founder of Downtown Behavioral Wellness in NYC.
“The thing is, when we really break it down, quitting is quite literally just stopping/ending something. The stopping/ending of something may or may not be before it’s intended ‘expiration,’ if you will, but that word itself (if you truly define and describe it) doesn’t hold weight with regards to good or bad.”
Below, Dr. Ellberger tells us all about the power of quitting.
Should I quit or not?
She advises, “Rather than the binary ‘Should I quit, or should I not?’, it is far more useful and effective to ask yourself, ‘Why am I doing what I’m doing/want to do?’ Generally speaking, if the answer to that question is aligned with your long-term goals/values, then you’re not doing anything harmful to yourself.”
Pro tip: Throw the word “should” out of your vocabulary.
“The word ‘should’ implies that someone else knows better. If you find yourself saying, ‘I should or shouldn’t quit,’ you may want to ask yourself, ‘According to whom?’,” she says.
“Ultimately, no one else is you, so it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks or feels because they’re not living your life. The short-term experience of shame (which is often based on an assumption about what others believe) is far less harmful than living life under certain terms because you’re afraid of judgment from others.
“Quitting becomes a problem when we make the decision based on an impulse or urge to avoid a consequence or something else,” she explains.
Changing your mind is totally allowed.
Plot twist! “One of my favorite things to tell my patients is that you can always change your mind,” Dr. Ellberger says. “I’ve found that there’s an overall assumption that once you make a decision, you can never change your decision. In so many cases, that’s not true.”
Basically, it’s the “bangs grow back” theory.
“This is situation-based and highlights the importance of making a mindful, thoughtful decision, as it is true that some things are irreversible. Obviously, we wouldn’t want to ‘quit’ those things without fully understanding and accepting any and all potential consequences,” she adds.
But how do I know if I’m just giving up too easily?
“This, to me, is so simple. An effective decision to quit comes from making a mindful decision in which you consider the consequences (both positive and negative) of stopping/quitting, as well as the potential consequences (both positive and negative) of continuing to engage,” Dr. Ellberger says.
Wondering if you’re giving up too easily? She says to ask yourself:
“Could I ask for help?”
“What’s the worst thing that might happen if I keep trying?”
“What am I afraid of if I decide to quit or not quit?”
“Trust your values and talk to your therapist!” she adds.
Stop with the mental gymnastics.
This is not the Olympics. “We often overcomplicate things when we don’t need to,” Dr. Ellberger says. “Generally speaking, if you find yourself in a situation that’s causing you pain and not serving your long term goals—especially if you’re engaging in it because you feel like something bad will happen if you don’t—it’s probably a sound and reasonable idea to reevaluate.”
Let’s talk about mind reading for a sec.
“Mind reading is a super common cognitive thinking mistake in which we assume we know another person’s internal experience and then use those assumptions as facts on which to base our behavior,” Dr. Ellberger says.
“The issue is, regardless of whether or not we ‘feel’ like we know what someone is thinking or feeling, we actually do not and cannot unless they directly tell us.
“We may feel guilty for quitting a job, getting sober, or giving honest feedback to a friend because we think they’ll think or feel something. However, that’s really just mental gymnastics,” Dr. Ellberger assures us.
“You’re better off being forthcoming with that individual and sharing what you’re worried about when discussing your decision making. There’s about a million DBT skills that can help you handle these types of interactions, so coming to therapy is a great way to change that pattern of behavior.”